greybear's Diaryland Diary

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Light weights

The past two days have really just been tears.
I felt carved out yesterday like some hard space rock, like porous pumice, but black and heavier. I cried a lot.
Today I felt a little silly for how much I’ve wound my identity up into this machine, and made presumptions about myself that I suspect might have been more like coping mechanisms.
I’m feeling the real necessity of personal time, quiet and reflection.
Sometimes conversation comes so easy and other times I just want to get away. I’m telling myself it’s intuition.

I don’t know what the next 90 days will bring but it should be fruitful. I am hoping to lose my sense of self, honestly. To stop operating on any idea of who I am and only listen to the hairs standing on end or the funny gut feelings... to turn back to nature.

Maybe this isn’t enough time to undo 25 years of conditioning but I’m gonna stay quiet as often as I can, be a bit better about my programming meditation, and a lot more forgiving of myself.

I don’t know that it is really company I need ....just less baggage.

4:06 pm - July 24, 2021

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