greybear's Diaryland Diary

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Reloving

There was a time when my primary value was
A capacity to love and be loved
But that made me feel curious, how was it so? I didn’t agree.

And I realize now, many years later, my capacity to love is eternally strong... but my capacity to be loved is not nearly that strong.

What I’ve been missing is the belief that I should be loved, am worthy of great love, and not just the kind adopted kids get out of charity. The ironic thing is you needn’t do anything at all to be lovable... but if you’re me, you cast demerits upon yourself your whole life that take away Your Worthiness, & diminish your capacity to receive and believe. When you’re a young adult you are always looking for what people want from you, because love is now transactional, it is therapy- passed from skin to skin and lips to lips. So I accept the tangible love: the physical realm, the gateway to the spiritual or emotional, but not the end all. And yet I end most things here.

Feelings of great shape scare me. I run from those who love me so much they would consume me, then long for them for years. Covering up my longing in substance, thick and sweet, until even I don’t love me anymore. Then I’m free. Free from that fear that I’m not enough because I’ve Become It. I’ve manifested a temporary position holder, a placemat on your bedside table, pull me down for some midnight snacks and discard me. Truly, this not only validated my lack of belief but also bolstered my need to avoid deep intimacy. As I grew feelings, I tucked them deeper down and placed more substance on top of that.

the first problem I had to deal with in my first sober relationship was confronting this longing, nagging reality that I was not worthy of the love I was asking,
In Friend circles I felt unwanted, out-of-place, and only I had placed myself there.

So I found my way into the laps and beds of the unavailable. The typically heterosexual. Then I moved outward to those whose love would validate my value, like a prize, all the while hustling for my worth.

Working harder, even in love, as I do at my job. Wondering why I feel unfulfilled, why I still feel the scratch that my cup doesn’t yet runneth over.

Why am I still accepting the placement of you before me, and taking the backseat? Because I am fine here. I am loved. I needn’t be loved well in return.

Some say martyrdom, I say paralyzation of unworthiness. The root of all unloved evil. A sandy 6 feet trench I made myself. No ropes needed here, I’m great. Just throw me a caprisun and a magazine.

Hustle harder. Prove it. Provide better. Prove it. Show it. Plan it. Do it.

It’s time to start returning attention to my capacity to be loved. It’s time to start allowing love back in, and cleaning up the aisle of denial.

6:54 am - July 13, 2021

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